On My Christmas Wish-list for 2011

Finally - someone has the nerve and knowledge to tell the truth about the pink-washing of America that goes on every October. Hats off to sociologist Gayle A. Sulik for her new book "Pink Ribbon Blues: How Breast Cancer Culture Undermines Women's Health." I want this book! Really wish I could have gotten it this year for Christmas, though...

I found out about the book from another survivor's Facebook post about a book review that appeared on Slate.com. After you read the review, take a look at the comments below it that do everything from complain that breast cancer gets too much attention (compared to other cancers) to placing the blame for getting the disease smack on the laps of survivors. Sickening, really...

But I do agree with Sulik that we need to do a better job holding companies that make shit piles of money on the business of "racing for the cure" much more accountable for how they spend what they raise. To me, giving a CEO a $459K+ salary wastes too much of what is supposed to be for research (cough, cough, Komen). My son and I lived on 1/12 of that the year I was diagnosed while paying for my own health insurance (I was self-employed), treatment co-pays (like radiation which was $100 a week for six weeks) and hospital and doctor payments following surgery, so, yes, I think that is too much money to be giving a CEO of a non-profit agency that is supposed to be about raising cash to cure this stupid disease. But, that's just me...

The Fear That Just Won't Go Away...

For a few days now, I've had a nagging pain in my rib. Not only is it on the radiated side, but it is right where my bra tucks into my body under my right breast. Anything that touches that spot causes a dull ache, but it is also the same spot on my rib that has hurt off and on since radiation some almost six years ago.

OK - so I know the rules about "new" pains for cancer survivors: 1) call your doc if it lasts constantly for two weeks and 2) that cancer usually doesn't hurt, so if pain is involved, don't panic. Sounds logical and all, but logic tends to go out the window when the mind starts wandering in the middle of the night.

Of course I'm thinking "recurrence" - who wouldn't? I know it's only been two days, but still. So I worried and fretted and even thought about what chemo and surgery options I might have. It was even worse than scanxiety (that naggingly long time between blood-work, scans or other tests and getting the results). Sigh...

And why must this stuff always happen in the middle of the night or over holiday weekends? It was all I could do to not reach for my phone and log onto WebMD. At 3A.M. While holding my side. And planning my memorial service.

But I did stay in bed. I also grabbed the heating pad (which is always plugged in at the side of the bed due to aches, bumps and bruises from karate) and turned it on. The heat felt good, the pain went away and all was right with the world again. And it will be until the next nagging pain, I'm sure...

Cancer sucks, BTW...

The Oncologist Visit That Wasn't

My oncologist is a breast cancer survivor as well. When I met her for the first office visit, she was sporting a wig and a lymphydema sleeve. As much as I like her, she does something no other onc I know does: insists on regular follow-up visits every three months well past the one and five year NED (no evidence of disease) marks. Other oncs drop to six month visits after a year then once a year after two NED years.

OK, so cancer isn't part of my daily thought process anymore, but every three months I hafta make an appointment, have blood drawn, weight taken and lymph nodes felt. The only other tests she's ordered is a bone density scan (and that was two years ago), so it isn't even a case of "scan-xiety" (the seemingly long amount of time between having a test done and getting the results). I just hate going to see her on principle alone.

I missed the last visit in April because I had something to do for work, I think. I was supposed to call the next week to reschedule, but I never did. Might as well wait until July and schedule it then, but I don't even want to do that. It's self-defeating and stupid, but, what can I say? I just don't wanna go!

Yep - that's me in the corner frowning and pouting, can't ya tell?